QUESTION: I’m a straight woman in her late 40s and I’ve recently divorced my husband of 16 years. We had grown apart and it wasn’t serving either of us anymore. I feel ready to date again but I’m unsure about my sexuality. I’ve never been with another woman but it’s something I have fantasized about over the years. I don’t want to mess other women around by dating them if I’m not bisexual but how do I find out without giving it a try? I’m also concerned about how my ex and kids would take it if I started seeing a woman.
ANSWER: We’re brought up with such rigid binaries of sexuality. At least when I was growing up, we were basically told there were three options – gay, straight or bisexual.
Along with this went the idea that if you’re straight you are only ever attracted to, and have sex with, members of the opposite sex and if you’re gay or lesbian, you only have sex with, and are attracted to, people of the same sex.
But we, as human beings, are beautifully complex. Our sexuality is equally beautiful and complex. The reality is that our sexual attractions and practices don’t always fit with these black and white ideas.
Sexuality is diverse and flexible
As far back as 1948 renowned sex researcher, Dr Alfred Kinsey proposed that our sexual orientation wasn’t binary, but exists on a scale which he suggested had seven different points.
More recently, the term ‘heteroflexible’ has emerged to describe people who are fluid in their sexual attraction and sexual behaviors.
Someone who has previously considered themselves heterosexual can fall in love or enjoy a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex.
An infamous Schitt’s Creek scene described this brilliantly when David said, ‘I like the wine and not the label’.
It’s common for women to have sexual fantasies about women
In a comprehensive study, psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller found that 59 percent of women fantasize about sex with other women.
These fantasies don’t necessarily mean you’re bisexual or that you want a sexual encounter with a woman. Fantasies don’t always translate into behavior.
But, of course, your fantasies can open you up to a new world of exploration.