From “O face” to “Oh, no!” face. So you’re having the best sex of your life with a new and exceptionally giving partner — congratulations. But quietly, between fireworks shows, perhaps you’re wondering: What’s the catch?
Listen to that small voice, psychologists caution — your red hot lover could actually be a red hot relationship flag.
That’s because the dream partner so attentive to your needs right now may in fact be a raging narcissist about to expose their true colors, the Daily Mail reported.
Because narcissists crave admiration, the experts say, sex is one of the personality type’s major ‘tells’ — they often wind up very eager to please between the sheets.
And beware of tipping your own hand — letting a narcissist sweep you off your feet with their horizontal mambo skills broadcasts to them you’re vulnerable to control, the pros warn. A quick test: Do you get the same amount of loving attention at the breakfast table as you do in the boudoir?
If not, you may have already fallen into the narcissist’s trap, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author, told USA Today.
“Some people will say, ‘This relationship is a nightmare, but for the sex.’ They’ll say, ‘Sex is great, but this person is horrible to me, and they’re callous and they’re cold and they’re dismissive and they’re un-empathic. But they’re really good in bed,’” she said.
“This is why they can be hot and heavy one minute and completely neglectful the next, because it’s not about intimacy, it’s about control.”
“They use you when they need something and put you back on the shelf when they’re done.” Furthermore, experts warn that a narcissist’s tendency to blow hot and cold can impact the brain on a cellular level.
When you’re in their world, your brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, giving you pleasure and a sense of intimacy. But when they turn their back on your emotionally, the brain then goes into withdrawal, causing distress and anxiety.
Too much jerking back and forth between the two states can lead the unwitting partner to form what’s known as a traumatic bond with the narcissist — not unlike what happens in more obviously abusive relationships, they say.
Worse still, they may not even know what they’re doing — that’s because their needs are always going to be the most important, even if it hurts their partner.
“Narcissistic people are very reward-sensitive: They like things that feel good, and they often don’t think about the consequences. So sex is the ultimate narcissist ground game.”
Narcissists also like to dominate in the bedroom — for them, sex is power, and about holding that power over someone else. They also need validation, and will perform above expectations regularly to get it.
But don’t get confused — they’re not looking for notes, either. Your constructive criticism could end up triggering them, even leading them to blame you for their own shortcomings.
Other signs to look for that you might be headed for trouble include exceptionally performative sex with a “porn-y vibe,” Dr. Durvasula warned.