A mom has begged for advice about how to tell her 30-year-old daughter that her brother is actually her father. The anonymous woman wrote into The Atlantic’s Dear Therapist column to unravel the situation.
She explained that her husband had two kids of his own, and she had none when the pair tied the knot. The couple ‘both wanted to have a child together,’ but since her husband had undergone a vasectomy years prior, which could no longer be reversed, they had to find another solution.
In the letter she sent to the publication, the unnamed woman wrote: ‘We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. ‘We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.
‘Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?’ Understandably, the woman concluded: ‘My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her.
‘This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.’ In response, columnist Lori Gottlieb, who is a qualified psychotherapist, said that there were two truths that the woman’s daughter would be forced to grapple with.
Not only the revelation about her biological father, but also that ‘the people she calls her parents have deceived her’ for three decades. Gottlieb then went on to offer advice on how best to broach such a delicate subject.
First, she said it was essential to ‘state the facts as simply and clearly as possible’ before apologizing. The expert urged the mom to ‘take full responsibility for not telling her [daughter] the truth from the beginning,’ being sure not to ‘make excuses.’
She explained how it was important for the woman to talk ‘as little as possible’ during the initial conversation and instead prioritize the thoughts of her daughter.
Last, but not least, Gottlieb also warned that the ‘brother’ in this situation should also be told that the information is going to be shared in case he has a family of his own that he wishes to tell ahead of time.